An Episode of Ayanami Rei
by Destria Cosplay
Summary: How do you answer the questions Who and what am I? Especially when you don't have a real understanding of yourself. One pilot attempts to explore those questions, even if they don't realise it themselves.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion or any of the characters portrayed in the story. They are the property of Gainax Studios. **

**An episode of Ayanami Rei**

**December 29****th**** 2015 - Apartment 402 – 0600 hours**

Silence. Peace. Serenity. Absence. Void. Death.

Those are the things that describe this silence. Those are the things that constitute a humans perspective of this tranquillity, of this void. What your eyes cannot see, what your ears cannot hear. A description of emptiness. A void.

Like the void within me.

My eyes open to a dirty ceiling. A familiar ceiling. The sight that greets my day. It is what I see first in the morning and the last thing I see as I leave this world for a dreamless sleep. It is what constitutes my existence. The silent reminder that I am for I am.

Who am I? I am the third.

What am I? I am a pilot.

These thoughts are unnecessary, they are meaningless to my existence. Yet they exist. They are in essence the very thing that constitutes them. It is what gives definition to their existence.

I am I, they are they.

**December 29****th**** 2015 – NERV HQ – 1200 hours**

I am following Commander Ikari. Those were his orders, orders I must follow. Commander Ikari looks left, something has caught his attention. It is insignificant, for he quickly returns to look ahead. I shall do the same.

Pilot Ikari is standing there. Recognition. Shock. Despair. Those things seem to wash over him as I watch him curl into a ball. It is no matter.

Who is he? Pilot Ikari.

What is he? A pilot… replaceable.

I return my attention forward, Commander Ikari has begun a conversation with Major Katsuragi It involves a recent hack of the MAGI system. It is of no consequence to me or my purpose.

"Wait." I look up, Major Katsuragi has grabbed my wrist as I walked past, "Don't forget to go the infirmary when you have finished with the commander, I was informed to remind you,"

"Understood," I reply. She released my hand, never once looking at me.

**December 29****th**** 2015 – NERV infirmary – 1315 hours**

Touch. Human contact. I stare at my wrist, as the nurse goes about her duties. It is the same as when he grabbed my wrist before his demise. It is so strange. He was composed of the same matter as I, yet he refuted our similarities.

**5 days ago - December 24****th**** 2015 – NERV corridors – 1300 hours**

I walked along the corridor towards the eva cages. The newly appointed pilot was approaching from the other side. I turned to face him as he grabbed my wrist. "What?" I asked, as he continued to stare at myself, his gaze similar to mine.

"Nothing," he replied, "Sorry."

"You have the same feeling as me, why?"

"To be sure, the matter comprising us is the same and our forms have also arrived at that of the child of man in order to live on in this world. But our difference lies in whom we have met, and how we have lived thus far. "You and I may resemble each other, but we are not the same." He replied, closing his eyes and shifting his gaze, before turning his eyes back to me, "That's what you said to me before, don't you remember?"

**December 29****th**** 2015 – NERV infirmary – 1315 hours**

I do not recall ever saying those words to him, however the words seem both familiar and foreign at the same time.

Who was he? Pilot Nagisa

What was he? The 12th angel, Tabris

He met his demise by the hands of the third child. I do not understand his decision. He knew his demise was evident upon reaching terminal dogma, yet he willingly accepted his fate. Tabris, the 12th angel, the angel of free will. He was the one entity who had the choice in this world.

"Your free to leave," said the nurse as I look up, "Your physical check up is complete." I nod in acknowledgement, her eyes never met mine. No one attempts to acknowledge me. The commander seems to be the only one, even then all we ever talk about is work.

**December 29****th**** 2015 – Apartment 402 – 2100 hours**

It is odd. He was both a vessel of Adam and a pilot, just like myself. His death was the only outcome, yet he willingly choose to accept that fate. Why did he allow himself to be destroyed by pilot Ikari? Why did he wish to disappear into that void, where the commander is struggling so frantically in search of a return?

Why did I go to terminal dogma that day? I was insurance in the event Pilot Ikari was defeated.

**4 days ago – December 25****th**** 2015 – Terminal Dogma – 1700 hours**

I stood above on one of the pillars watching terminal dogma as the battle between the 12th angel and Unit 01 proceeded further down into NERV headquarters.

"As I thought, this is not Adam," Pilot Nagisa stated to no one in particular, "The black moon, Lilith." I could only watch as the 12th angel floated in front of the monolith. An Angel had finally reached here, but third impact could not occur when one of Adam reached her. "I see you have been here from the beginning. The geofront was created when you first arrived. You have been waiting all this time for a successor to come this far," Pilot Nagisa spoke to the crucified monolith.

Lilith is me. I am her just as she is me. She is what used to be me.

My attention was diverted when the body of Unit 02 was thrown against the wall. Pilot Ikari must have defeated Unit 02. His strength should be sufficient to defeat the final angel. However based on his past psychological data, I highly doubt he would be able to turn his hand on a fellow pilot.

"If you go even the slightest bit further… I won't hold back," came Ikari's voice from within Unit 01.

I am only here to provide insurance in case Pilot Ikari fails. Until then, my presence must remain concealed.

"I wonder… even if I am an angel, can you lay hands upon something with the shape of a person?" Pilot Nagisa asked un-phased, "But if I make contact with this, it seems that third impact will occur. All forms of life, including the one that made contact will perish in an instant. Of course that includes you lilim as well. Either way you have a tough choice"

"If you stop now we don't have to fight! Turn back!" Pilot Ikari pleaded, desperation evident in his voice.

He will not be able to accomplish the order, I will have to move. My AT field began resonating.

"Don't have to fight… As self-serving as usual. Let me tell you something else interesting. Even if third impact occurs, people will not simply perish. They will be reborn in a new form, merged into one as a single life form. That will bring about exactly the kind of world you have been wishing for. AT fields also will be unnecessary. Wars and conflicts, the suffering and sadness of losing people. You will be freed from all of these. And despite that, you say you will stop me?"

"I won't let third impact happen!" Pilot Ikari declared raising his blade to Pilot Nagisa.

Pilot Ikari may be able follow orders after all. My AT field remained raised in the event of Pilot Ikari's defeat.

"That knife is not a threat to me at all. You understand that from earlier don't you?" Pilot Nagisa continued, staring at the monolith that was Unit 01, "This is my destiny. From the very beginning, my purpose was simply to live for this moment."

"STOP!" Pilot Ikari screamed as Unit 01's fingers enclosed around Pilot Nagisa.

"However… I also have a will and I can choose by my own will. To defy destiny." Pilot Nagisa commented, as Unit 01's hand came to an abrupt halt. "Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying this for your sake. If I turn around now, the old men won't let it go unchallenged. They'll probably eliminate me at once. After all, they have virtually held my life in their hands from the outset." Pilot Nagisa continued casually shrugging, "Well, whether I cause third impact or not, either way I will cease to exist as an individual. Truth be told, I really don't care either way about third impact. The only absolute liberty left to me… Is that I can choose the form of my death by my own will," Pilot Nagisa's eyes moved away from Unit 01 and instead turned upwards. He knows I am here, so why does he continue? His conversation serves no purpose. He returned his gaze to Unit 01, "So I want you to kill me, by your own hand."

"What are you saying?" Pilot Ikari asked, shock evident in his voice.

What is he doing? Tabris, the 12th angel, the angel of free will. He is a representation of humanities own hidden potential, the power of choice. All angels share the same destiny, even if you know this, why are you trying to choose a scenario that suits you?

_But our difference lies in whom we have met, and how we have lived thus far. "You and I may resemble each other, but we are not the same."_

"Didn't you hear me? I said I want you to kill me. If you have even the slightest feelings for me, then kill me with that hand," Pilot Nagisa stated in that same serene voice he had been using throughout the whole conversation, "Just like that cat back then."

"That's not fair," Pilot Ikari pleaded, "If I'm told like that, there's no way I can do it is there?"

"This is my final request, and if you like me at all… You will grant it."

"I can't even if I'm told like that. I just can't kill a non-resisting opponent," Pilot Ikari sobbed.

"Why not?" Pilot Nagisa asked, "Even though I said it's my final request. You can't because you are afraid of being tormented by guilt right? You're not thinking about me in the least. You really hate me… That much."

"I don't hate you!" Pilot Ikari shouted, "I never said I hate you!"

Pilot Nagisa smiled at Unit 01 at this comment. Why does he smile now? His demise is evident, so why is he smiling? What is a smile?

"Then show me your true heart. The next action you take will be proof of your true feelings towards me."

His face continued to show that same serene smile. Unit 01's hand slowly closed around his body.

"That's right. Don't use a weapon. Leave the feeling of squeezing me to death in that hand of yours.

Only his head was visible in Unit 01's fist.

"That way, you won't be able to forget me even if you try right? Just like the people you have lost so far."

Unit 01's other hand covered the 12th angel features.

"Probably… without a doubt," were Pilot Ikari's last words to the 12th angel.

He squeezed.

**December 29****th**** 2015 – Apartment 402 – 2200 hours**

He smiled. He was smiling. We are the same, yet why do I not understand his actions? His destiny was pre-determined yet he altered it into a situation that suited himself. What purpose does that serve? The end result is the same. He wished to perish by Pilot Ikari's hand, he wish to be remembered. That's why he smiled.

"_I'm sorry, I'm not sure what expression to make in a time like this… Even though I should be happy."_

"_If you're happy, you should smile."_

Who am I? I am the third

What am I? I am a vessel for her.

**December 30****th**** 2015 – NERV gardens – 1100 hours**

I was ordered to retrieve Pilot Ikari from the gardens. He is overdue for a synchronisation test with Unit 01. I have located him, he is crouching in front of the water. "Pilot Ikari, you are overdue for you synchronisation test." Pilot Ikari wearily stood up from his position, like a warrior just returning home from battle. His hazel eyes met mine.

"Can I ask you something?" he asked, I nodded in response, "Have you ever been here before?" he continued, referring to the gardens around us. I shook my head in response, causing him to chuckle sadly. "Of course you haven't. In the entire time you've worked here, you have never once been told to come here till now have you?" he continued, smiling softly, however his body emitted this unpleasant feeling. This conversation serves no purpose, you are delaying me from fulfilling my orders. I open my mouth to speak but Ikari starts talking once again. "You really aren't her are you?"

My body stops its train of thought. Why would he ask something like this. I am for I am. I am in every way myself, just as she was.

"I thought so," he continued, that unpleasant feeling just grew stronger… and he's crying. I do not understand this. Why is Pilot Ikari crying?

"_You're crying again. You were crying yesterday in your sleep. Why are you so sad?"_

"_Dummy… That's not it. I'm crying because I'm happy. Happy you're alive."_

"Can I tell you something? I want to give you my reply even though it's too late," Pilot Ikari asked, his gaze never leaving mine, I once again nodded in response. "The first time we touched, I was scared. So scared about Eva, about my father, about the angel, but most of all so scared that you were in so much pain. So scared that if you got into Eva you'd have died. I had to keep telling myself to not run away, otherwise I'd never have been able to live with myself."

What is he talking about?

"_The first time we touched I felt nothing."_

"The second time we touched, I was in shock. I didn't expect you to come out of the shower like that, I was struggling to remember why I was there in the first place," Pilot Ikari chuckled at his comment softly, "It's the type of memory I thought we'd look back on and laugh about."

Why is he telling me?

"_The second time, it felt a little queasy… I think." _

"The third time I was happy. I was happy that you were alive. I remember telling you that if you were happy you should smile."

This conversation serves no purpose, so why can't I walk away?

"_The third time. I felt warm inside. It was the heat from your hand even through the suit."_

"The fourth time, I was worried, worried you'd hurt yourself, but at the same time happy I was able to do something for you. However small, it was something I was able to help you with."

This has nothing to do with me. Pilot Ikari is talking to her.

"_But the fourth time, I was happy. Happy that you were concerned about me. Could I hold your hand again?"_

"_Yeah"_

"But the fifth time, I was content. Content that the gap between us was getting closer. Content that we would go on living together," he continued wiping the tears from his face, "I didn't want to lose you… but it's too late for that." Pilot Ikari's hazel gaze finally broke with mine. He was gently sobbing, hiding from the world, "A synch test huh? I'll see you there, goodbye… Ayanami" were Pilot Ikari's final words as he walked towards Unit 01 cage.

"_You should stop saying "goodbye" when you leave on a mission. It's just too sad. We might not have anything besides the eva program right now, but… as long as we stay alive, someday we'll be glad that we survived. It might be far in the future but until then, let's live on. Even on a black and empty street if we go together, we might one day find something. Like the moon that floats in the darkness."_

Who am I? What am I? Why did I just watch Pilot Ikari leave? Why couldn't I do anything? What would Ayanami Rei have done?

**December 31****st**** 2015 – Apartment 402 – 0700 hours**

Why can I not forgot the events of yesterday? The suns morning rays were shining into my apartment as I open my eyes from a dreamless sleep. I do not understand. His words weren't about me, but why? Why do they affect me so?

"_Who am I? I never understood myself. There's a void inside me. It's always there and always empty, it makes me feel like I'm made of straw. I'd fill it up by thinking of the commander…"_

I am nothing. I exist only for the purpose of instrumentality. The unity of all the lilum's consciousness. So why do these inconsequential thoughts exist within me? Why do I feel so empty?

Who am I? I am Lilith

What am I? I am the 2nd angel.

My phone rang, there is no number displayed. "It is time," came the commanders voice.

"Understood."

It is time, Third Impact will be initiated.

**December 31****st**** 2015 – Terminal Dogma – 1500 hours**

Doctor Akagi was a fool, there was no stopping the commander or third impact from occurring. It is my purpose. It is what constitutes my existence. A pre-determined fact.

"I have become one with Adam," the commander informs me as he displays the embryo of Adam fused to left hand. "This is the only way to be with Yui again. The forbidden union of Adam and Lilith."

My left arm feels weak. I turn my attention to it and watch it's flesh slowly erode from the bone. It falls with a small thud onto the ground below.

"The AT field will no longer be able to hold your form. There is no time," the commander commented, "Release the AT field and remove the barriers around your heart. Cast aside this unnecessary body and fulfil your broken heart. Make your entire soul become one."

His left hand reached out towards me and began to fuse into my skin. His left hand rested on my heart within me. Adam was now within me. This feeling is sickening. I hate it.

"_Who am I? I never understood myself. There's a void inside me. It's always there and always empty, it makes me feel like I'm made of straw. I'd fill it up by thinking of the commander…"_

"Now take me to Yui, Rei," the commander ordered.

This isn't the feeling I want. This feeling is weighing me down. I reach for the arm that is causing me all this suffering. "Rei?" Commander Ikari questioned for the first time.

"No, this is not the hand I remember," I quietly comment, raising my AT field, sealing Adam within me. It is my purpose to fulfil third impact but I will fulfil it on my own terms, just as he did.

"_But one day, before I knew what was happening, he was there inside."_

"Ahhhh," the commander screamed in agony, as his hand was forcefully ejected from my body. He appears to be bleeding heavily, however I do not care. He is not the one I remember. My body instantly begins repairing itself, my left arm has been regenerated, just like the Angels.

Who am I? I am the soul of Lilith

What is my purpose? To fulfil his desire.

"It's wrong. The hand I remember is not yours. I must go now," I inform him, turning back to the monolith that was Lilith.

"Wait… please don't go," sobbed the commander. It was despicable to see the commander grovelling on his feet.

"I must, Ikari is calling me," I told him, as I started to rise in front of the body of Lilith.

"Please Rei! I beg you. REI!" The commander screamed to me as I slowly moved towards her body. No my body. His words are inconsequential. He is not the one I remember or want.

I am home…

Welcome home, were the only words I heard as I made contact.

**January 1****st**** 2016 – Sea of LCL – 0100 hours (Post third impact)**

"Ayanami, where are we?" Ikari asks me. I stare into his hazel eyes.

"We're in the sea of LCL. This is the primordial soup of life," I inform him, "An ambiguous world where it's impossible to tell where you end and where others begin. A fragile world where you exist everywhere and yet nowhere."

"Did I die?"

"No, everything has united to become one. This is the world that you desired through third impact."

"The world that I desired?"

"That's right. Where no one suffers. Where there is no sadness, where there are no wars, no conflicts, no rules, no resignation, no famine, no coldness, no pain… there is nothing, a happy world," I inform him. He needs to know, he needs to understand.

"You're wrong Ayanami. This is very different from what I desired," Ikari commented to me, "Because in this place, nothing really exists. In this world there is no happiness. It's true that there are no bad things but there are no good things either. It's exactly the same as being dead," Ikari continued, never once removing his gaze from mine, "You told me once, piloting was the only thing you had to live for. That if you didn't, you'd have nothing else which is the same as being dead. After that we promised to go on living together, we had a reason beyond piloting." He was speaking softly now, "It gave me a reason to keep living, so I didn't feel so empty, don't you remember?"

I nod in response, if it weren't for AT fields and human individuality we would never have been able to make that promise. "Ikari… if you wish for the existence of others once more, the barriers of the heart will make all of humanity separate again. Do you think it's good to enclose yourself in the AT field once more?" I ask an almost pointless question, but I need to hear his answer, "Your fear of people will continue anew."

"My father once told me that it's impossible for people to ever completely understand each other, but… I have to know Ayanami, I have to do it with this body. I must know even if in the end I understand that suffering is not worth it after all," Ikari continued, now breaking his gaze with mine. Why is he faltering now? When he knows his answer? His gaze returned to mine, his hazel orbs slightly different to before, "But you know something, whenever I was alone for an instant, I would ask myself had a relationship formed in that moment… between you and I."

"Ikari…" I say only his name, "The fifth time…" Ikari looked at me at those words, "I was happy, happy that I got to touch your hand again, happy that Ikari was here," Ikari smiled to me at those words

"Let's go back Ayanami. If we continue to be joined together like we are now, we won't be able to feel anything. No happiness, no joy… nothing," Ikari continued, looking out to the vast expanse that was the sea of LCL, "I know that people's hands could hurt me and my hands could hurt others. Hands that connect us could be separated someday. Even then Ayanami, I still want to hold your hand… one more time."

His hand reached out to me. He was offering his soul to me. The thing he held most precious. A look of sadness swept over my features as I slowly moved to interlock my fingers with him. This would be the 6th time we've touched. A touch between our souls.

"Ikari… Thank you," I tell him. I can feel my body breaking apart. I am breaking apart. The world is being reverted to its original state, "From here on out we will be apart."

I am crying… why am I crying? I am happy… Happy that I got to meet Ikari… I understand. "Ikari I am glad, glad to have met you. I was nothing, empty. But now, I am filled with the things you have taught me and I am really happy. Even though we are going to be apart, what kind of face should I make right now? Is this… alright?" I ask him. My face smiling sincerely at him, just like when we made that promise all those months and angel attacks ago. That same smile I showed him when the gap between us got smaller for the first time.

"Ayanami," Ikari says to me. Our hands start to part. The AT field that was holding my body together is slowly breaking apart. But even then I am still smiling. "Ayanami!" Ikari screams in desperation at me, trying to reach and grab whatever was left of me, but it's too late. My body has already started separating. The existence that was me is being shattered into many little pieces.

"_Ikari, you won't die. I'll protect you. Goodbye."_

Ikari, your wishes are now with me. I am falling into many pieces, raining down onto everything. Waiting for you to come home. These were my last thoughts as my body turned to snow and rained down onto the now silent Tokyo-3. The first snow that Tokyo has experienced in 14 years.

Who am I? I am Ayanami Rei

What am I? I am myself

What is my purpose? To protect Ikari Shinji… and that makes me happy.

Goodbye.

**Epilogue**

**February 26****th**** 2032 - **


End file.
